"Praise him with drum and dance" - Psalm 150
USSR - China border. 1973.
I guess God has other plans for you.
I fried some bread for you.
You were such a good boy before the army.
Now, it's the long hair, Western music
and cock fighting...
Kung fu!
That's banned!
Everything cool is banned in the Soviet Union.
You've always been a vain one.
I have to find myself a good teacher.
All those teachers were locked up long ago.
And if you keep this up, you'll end up just like them... in jail.
God has other plans for me!
Hide the hair, you clown!
And the cross! I don't want to get locked up because of you.
Soviet Union!
Stop it, Rita!
Last night, you turned your back to me.
And drank alone all night.
Got any oil?
Nope!
This needs to be cleaned.
Chanel No. 5
Nice car.
It's Rudolf's.
Don't be mad at him.
He's a good person.
We're getting married.
What is your fighting style?
What is your kung fu?
"There is no God"
THE INVISIBLE FIGHT
Peace!
A pilgrim?
Well... a driver!
Can you be obedient? - I can.
Well then, kick that old monk so hard that he flies.
Hallelujah!
You know kung fu?
What is your fighting style, monk?
Tiger style?
Eagle claw?
Go home, you clown!
Unspeakable brutality on the part of the Monastery Superior!
No brother.
Father Melhisedek gave the most valuable gift a monk can receive.
The opportunity for humility.
Forgive me.
Ouch! Ouch!
Is the clown still here?
He is.
These are the monks of our monastery.
Can you smell it?
Flowers.
Because he is holy!
A saint's skull is yellow. A regular person's skull is white.
Do you think it is possible for you to become a saint?
No. - No. No.
Of course it's possible. That's the meaning of a human life!
Why else did you survive the attack in the army?
Why else did the Madonna bring you here?
My car broke down.
Only the Madonna can bring you here!
Here it is.
The pearl of our monastery.
The miraculous icon of the Madonna.
If your prayer is strong,
even your most secret desires will be fulfilled here.
May I remain here?
Why?
So I can become bad ass at black metal kung fu!
Go home, clown!
I would rather dig a hole in the ground
than converse with someone like that.
And with such grace.
You're just antisocial, that's all.
Try again with prayer!
Honey!
Your prayer is strong, boy!
And my kicks are even stronger!
Will you take me as your student?
Irinei, show your brother.
When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified.
"It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. But...
That's father Nafanail.
He doesn't want to enjoy the taste of food.
He is a Starets. - A who?
He has suffered much, been in jail.
For what?
Politics.
Half of our monks have been locked up.
The Starets will take your soul and see right through it.
The past, the present, and the future.
Telepathy?
We call it 'the gift of sight'.
This is my bed, and the other is our teacher's.
You sleep on the floor.
You will sleep on the floor!
There's a brick in your bed? - That's my pillow.
The hermit Aphigonen was the first to
sleep on it. You can have it if you want.
Where do I sleep? - In front of the door!
Catch the pillow!
If you want to stay here, you have to learn humility.
What will it be?
Let's shake on it!
Irinei, teach your brother some humility!
A LESSON IN HUMILITY
Get changed!
What about my monk's robe? - When you become a monk, you'll get the robe.
First you must become an Obedient, and then a Rassaphore,
and if you're lucky, then finally, a monk!
When will you teach me kung fu? - To someone as clumsy as you?
I can learn anything!
First you have to learn the Ten Commandments and read the holy texts.
Love your neighbour as yourself.
The essence of the commandments is simple
and soft, like a dumpling.
Catch!
Who could catch a dumpling?
A monk who can unify strength and gentleness!
Learn!
What style was that? Panda bear?
Clean up the kitchen!
A LESSON IN HUMILITY No.2
Oh, dear Irinei, your humble expression will bring you no good.
How was it?
He's quick to take offense.
Are you not ashamed, Irinei?
To be on the same level with a beginner.
He just recently came from the outside world,
but you have been at the monastery for years
and still haven't learned to watch out for yourself.
I've given you nothing but disappointment.
My prayer doesn't make honey flow from the icon.
That's why I let him into the monastery.
I need a successor!
But what about me?
I've been your student for over seven years!
Give your brother a tour.
Show him the religious giants of our monastery.
This is where the hermit Afigonen held his prayer battle.
This was the hole where they fed him!
But where did he go to pee?
This is where Father Afigonen used the toilet!
Is the tour over? - Irinei showed you everything that interests you.
We cannot help you any further.
He's no pilgrim. - He's not even Orthodox.
Get a load of what he's doing now! - Such blasphemy!
You don't turn your back on the altar!
Ever!
Zinaida and Marfa!
A man comes to the church for the first
time in his life and what does he see?
Your angry mugs! Get out, you Orthodox witches!
SHADOW FIGHT
The monastery kung fu starts with the sign of the cross.
These three fingers signify the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
The other two are the human and the divine.
You must suppress all thought of temptation,
before it has a chance to attack you!
"Listen to me," is what this means.
"Christ has spoken."
"Bear your cross."
"Pray with all your heart."
This is how you achieve a kung fu which is invincible.
Teach me!
This is an internal style which only the humble can master.
I can be obedient!
Go and bring some water, let's make tea! - I obey.
Light a fire! - I obey.
Christ commands us to love others the way a mother loves her child.
Everything could have gone differently.
The land could be covered with giant monsters who devour each other.
But instead there are children and their mothers,
and the enormous love between them.
The world is made from love and for love.
What do you feel? - Joy!
When God enters a person's soul, he is filled with joy.
Always.
What do you see in him? Your successor? - I'm starting to get old.
Sometimes the Lord reveals His will, sometimes He doesn't.
What about Irinei? - He tends to doubt.
What is he doing over there?
What do you want?
To become a monk.
Does your mother know where you are?
She doesn't.
Go home. If your mother allows you to become a monk,
then such is the will of the Heavens.
I'm a buck short of a bottle.
Sit.
I would in a heartbeat, but not right now. Sorry.
Give me your shoes!
Ecce homo!
Where are your shoes?
I gave them away.
Okay, mother, dear.
I can't hide anything from you.
I was at a monastery, mom. - Where?
Behind those woods...
I'll fry some bread, you like flour products.
Mom,
will you let me become a monk?
Drink vodka.
Like men always have. Don't go crazy.
They said that I could become a saint!
Anyone could! Even you!
Look now at what your own son is doing!
You left me here alone and now your son wants to do the same!
You don't love your mother!
I do.
Love...
...is the most important thing.
Dammit!
Get lost!
How are you doing?
I just came from the monastery. I'm on probation there.
You were sent there on business? - No, I went on my own.
Or, well, the Madonna brought me. You can't get in any other way!
How long will you stay?
Long.
I'm going to be a monk.
That's sixty kopecks!
I don't have any change...
I only have rubles.
Oh, forget it.
Take some candy!
How are you? Married?
We split up.
Were you out slutting around?
No, I'm a sinless creature.
But you are going to become a monk!
You will take the vow.
Did something happen?
A monk becomes lazy in bed.
Back already! Did your mother give you permission?
Yes, she did!
Are you trying to fool a Starets?
A woman's "no" is really a "yes".
What does an old monk like me know about women.
Hand me my staff!
This is iron!
You have to stay in shape somehow.
Do you know what the monk's super weapon is?
The Prayer from the heart.
Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
You must pray quietly, secretly.
So the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.
Prayer must be directed from the head to the heart!
That is the place God will come to pray with you.
It appears that I'm the worst one here
since there's no candle left for me.
All the others are worthy and I'm the only one not worth a candle.
Enough of your griping.
Take mine!
I didn't say anything.
What are you staring at? Look, my hands are full.
Open the door and turn the light on in the pantry.
Do you want me to get electrocuted?
The light switch is broken!
I got you, brother. I can see your
thoughts as clear as the palm of my hand.
Alright, brother, let's make peace!
Your peace is sour.
Are you planning to tell on me?
Don't touch the books. They belong to Nafanail!
As Symeon the New Theologian said,
our weaknesses must be confessed with a pure heart!
Here you go!
I heard thoughts... I was just standing in front of the icon and...
The Lord in His mercy let you peek into the other world.
Don't tell anyone about this.
What now? Can I start pulling on my monk's robe soon?
Clear your dishes! - The women will do it!
No, you are not ready yet.
You don't know how to value a simple person and the work she does.
That's my pillow!
The hermit Aphigonen slept on this.
Who's this Ape... person that you would trade your own mother for?
Can't you see the crooks around you?
I give money to a beggar, and he buys vodka.
He is the Holy Fool. He was testing you!
Better not give money to a beggar
if you're going to condemn him later. - He stole your shoes!
Here, in the monastery, everything is the opposite ―
riches are ridiculous...
I get my wages, I deduct the electricity and the rent
and all I have left is money for bread.
Sell the car. - Who wants that piece of junk?
If it breaks down, there's no one to fix it.
You like flour products, you used to eat them by the loaf.
Don't bring your smelly sausage around here!
Mom, this is a monastery!
What do you want me to do with them!
You're not around any more.
Mother!
THE TEST OF THE STARETS
Drinking alone can cause depression.
I see we have an expert here.
Another for the other leg?
He can do it when he wants to!
Everyone has to be trained according to their nature.
Don't let your spirit flow out.
The drunken monkey! And we thought you would become the new Starets.
If you fall, always get up!
What is your blessing?
Push your car up Holy Hill and fix it,
then give it to your mother.
My mother? - Why does a monk need a car?
Am I a monk now?
A Rassaphore!
Your monk's vows will come later.
Why did you order him to climb the hill?
Candles aren't kept hidden. Their place is on a candlestick!
Which do you bless?
Buying a new cow, or a new coat for her husband?
A coat for the husband. - But he'll drink it away.
You'll buy him a new one.
He'll love you to the end!
Marriage is a cross!
The same kind of cross as monastic life.
Why does it have to be easy?
No, life is hard
and it keeps getting harder.
Who told you to get married! Oh, I am a fool!
Of course you're a fool.
Be grateful that someone chose a fool like you.
This happens with everything! He touches the TV,
it catches fire. He opens the fridge, it catches fire! Nothing helps.
Irinei, bring me some holy water!
Will holy water help?
The water alone won't help!
You must pray!
That's how the Holy Spirit works!
Are you Christened?
We'll go and do it right away.
Oh, Fathers!
Will you allow me one last ride?
No!
Please, boss! The Starets gave me an assignment,
I did it super, super, super well.
Just a little celebration.
But keep it at fifty!
Irinei will come to keep an eye on you.
The wheel is pulling me!
Soviet Union!
State security!
You are under arrest! - What for?
You were speeding. - When?
Who is your witness?
We're the witnesses!
Did you see it?
No one saw it! - Then no one will see this either.
Listen to me!
Pray with all your heart.
Bear your cross!
This is how you achieve a kung fu that is invincible.
Forgive me my religious propaganda. That's just my style.
This isn't over yet!
How was my kung fu?
You lost. Your humility!
But only at fifty!
You won't tell on me, will you? - Why would I?
Anyone who breaks the Starets's command
will only bring misfortune on themselves.
But no one saw. Remember that! - God saw!
THE DEMON
No one loves me
and I love no one.
This is not news to anyone.
Suicide is a sin!
My life is empty, there are only drunkards and empty bottles.
What should we do with her?
Find out what she's really thinking.
Well?
Let's do this - you go behind the door
I'll think of something and you guess the thought!
Where's the pillow?
I'm ready!
I guessed it.
That's a monk's sweater!
A woman isn't allowed to touch it.
Like the lilies in church...
What is that smell?
Chanel No. 5.
Smells like a corpse.
Now we have to burn this.
You think you're innocent, you've nothing to fear.
You don't know me you say, but isn't it clear?
You turn to me
in all your worldly greed and pride
But will you turn to me when it's your turn to die?
Boys. I'm going to go look for the dormitory.
Your monks were speeding and there wasn't even anyone at the wheel.
Open up!
We're told not to let strangers inside.
And I'm telling you to let me in or I'm shutting the monastery down!
We must open up. - No!
Only those who know the creed are allowed inside the monastery.
I believe...
Feh, goddamn!
I believe in one God, the Father Almighty,
Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible...
Not a stone will remain untouched in your monastery!
I promise you that!
Hide everything in the catacombs before the KGB confiscates it.
You brought a demon into the monastery!
What do you mean? - You could clearly see yourself what I mean!
What are you doing here, fool?
I'm beating the demons away so they won't get stuck to the walls.
Aren't you confusing something here?
This is the Starets's house, not a pub.
The pub is full of demons anyway but in places where holy people live,
they're still outside, wailing with anger
and trying to press their way in.
A woman has to cover her hair with a scarf. - What for, I wonder?
Then everything is... how was it?
Sublimated. - Right. Sublimated.
Men fancy that. - "Men fancy that!"
Have you heard anything about feminism?
I don't submit to men!
You don't have to submit.
It's just a...
game of captivation.
They're gender roles!
Man and woman are one flesh. You wouldn't hurt yourself, would you.
You have to respect a man.
Why? - She doesn't know! Why!?
Then he'll love you!
I sinned.
I didn't admonish my brother. He was speeding and he touched a woman.
Whose sins are you confessing? Are you not ashamed, Irinei?
You also used to have the gift of sight. Where did it go?
You shouldn't condemn another.
And apologise to the girl.
I brought demons into the monastery.
Rita.
You shouldn't condemn another. The demons are your own thoughts.
You must fight against them!
See, there he is!
And another one!
Here!
You must fight, monk!
The invisible fight!
Have some, don't be afraid.
Even monks have their pleasures. - Like what?
I won't tell, you will laugh. - I won't, I promise.
One is tea... and the other is fish.
Thank you.
Get up!
In the monastery, even pigs pray before the feast.
He that feeds the birds...
cares... also for me...
Oh, may there be plenty!
For us all!
I'll get a towel.
Hold the towel on your arm.
Stand by and wait while we eat.
Rita, I want to ask you for forgiveness
for condemning you before...
I should put a bag over your head so
no one will see your hypocritical mug!
Enough!
One shouldn't eat until one bursts.
Sit.
You can eat.
Take me back there. I want to swim!
Go on your own.
I smell horrible! - I lost my gift! I can't read thoughts anymore.
You could never read women's thoughts.
You're mad.
I'm mad.
God is also mad.
He just decided one day to create all these people!
I don't think it was a mistake, it was an experiment!
You should find yourself a wife.
Tell me where I have to go to get away from you?
Should I leave the monastery?
I am the Starets's disciple!
What do you want from here?
Clown! Clown! Clown! Clown!
Show me your kung fu, monk!
Drop the act. Be who you are.
Forgive me, brother.
A monk should never strike in anger. I lost.
Why are you apologising?
It wasn't you hitting me, it was the demon!
The demons are your own thoughts.
You must fight against them!
I will never become a Starets, I am a gardener at heart.
Honestly! Listen to my thoughts and you will see!
Don't touch that, it's a relic.
What did you see?
An animal. In myself.
And an animal does not belong in a monastery.
I lost.
A saint...
...is not he who sees the angels, but he who sees his own sins.
Everything is as it should be!
I'm not going anywhere with you.
You wanted to swim?
Not anymore.
THE DANCE OF THE DEMON
I'm soaked through with that monastery.
I want to get in the water.
I liked you most the way you were.
What then?
A monk!
Let's kiss!
Stop that! You fool!
Well, pray then.
I'm not a monk any more.
How could you lose your faith at a time like this!
SUPER-SUPER-WEAPON
Do you know what the super-super weapon is?
The gift of tears.
Tears purify and soften the soul.
They warm the heart and open it for God.
Tears during prayer are a sign of God's mercy.
Try the ignition!
Open the choke.
Can you feel the power of prayer?
Your prayer.
Ours.
He was a good brother. And mechanic.
He fixed the car, and spoke not a word of the Lord,
yet still people were drawn to his faith.
You will be my successor.
Me, a hypocrite?
You are a good boy, Irinei. Humble.
I've been arrogant!
Forgive me!
No one is bad, trust me!
God appeared to us through him.
Everyone carries the image of Christ in them!
THE END